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I am in the midst of composing one of my hilarious weekly columns, my
wife often interrupts me with the pretense of cutting my hair. The
result is the loss of a brilliant column, albeit the appearance of my
Today, as I was thirty-seven per cent into an exquisitely funny column, Kate said, "Time for a trim."
"No. I will notify you when I require a haircut."
Thirty seconds later, Kate—illustrating her female patience and Venus sensitivity—killed the power to our home. Her maneuver instantly crashed my computer.
I switched the power back on and stared forlornly at my blank screen as the computer rebooted. "What you have done would be grounds for a divorce in any civilized country. I have lost a column that was not only funny but also poignant."
"It was neither. You were belittling my family."
"I was writing about myself," I said. "Besides, you know I do not approve of your reading, over my shoulder, anything I memorialize in writing."
"You memorialized that my mother put her foot under yours and you accidentally stepped on it," said Kate.
"She should not have placed her feet under mine while we were playing cards," I said. "I thought it was pretty wonderful of me to play cards with her."
"You beast," said Kate. "Why would an eighty year old woman with foot problems encourage you to step on her?"
"Your mother's behavior is something that a person who is not right in the head would do. It falls under the category of lunatic behavior."
"You did not even apologize to her," said Kate. My wife, standing beside me in my den, had somehow maneuvered a pointy haircutting scissors within a few millimeters of my eyeball." Snip went the scissors in her little fist. A lock of my hair fell.
"Get away," I said, "You're deliberately upsetting me so I will loose my hilarious and poignant column."
"You take yourself far too seriously."
"Kate, remove those scissors from the vicinity of my eyes immediately. You could blind me."
"You'll be all right as long as you hold still." Snip, snip, snip.
I felt the cold tips of the scissors brush my neck. "You are going to cut off another wedge of my ear. Stop!"
Snip, snip, snip.
On our honeymoon Kate had pounced on me with those same scissors to introduce me to the way she would use grooming techniques to control me. She had managed to cut one of my ears, still scarred. "Kate, have you forgotten how badly I bled the first time you came at me with scissors?"
"I nicked you because you moved." Now she was mowing my hair with electric clippers as she steadied my skull with the very hand that held those lethal scissors. I was a heartbeat from being blinded.
Kate rambled on about the grocery list and our lack of closet space. With her pointy scissors and those infernal clippers tearing into my scalp, I was a virtual prisoner.
I hunched there like a little frozen rabbit, forced to let the woman I shared my bed with, get away with a combination of extortion and kidnapping. (I have long known she is a felon but she continues to beguile the authorities.)
"There," Kate said, holding up a mirror. "See how well your haircut turned out."
"It cost me a very funny column. I can't even remember what I was trying to write about."
"Write about getting a haircut." She slipped her scissors into their sheath.
"There is not a single humorous aspect about your attack," I said. I watched her drop the deadly scissors into a drawer. Before sunset, those scissors were going to disappear.
"And don't touch my scissors," she said. "Remember, I come from a long line of lunatics."
Jaron writes all sorts of columns, just scroll down ~
Giggle Food=J Travel=Q Solid info=& Trash Bin = N
New Zealand report - the perfect haven. Q
Sex on the Sand - life with the loony bin family. N
Understanding Bin -- Fax secrets. N
Desert Lover -- Bin's Story. N
Calling All Terrorists -- money, money. N
Happy Child -- They know what they want. J
Cell phone -- a deadly weapon. J
Dolphin Love -- the Ultimate Game Show. J
Make A Million! -- $tock $ecret$...shhhh. J
Slow Boat to China -- Time: a strange master. J
More Expensive by the Dozen -- kids. J
The Minister's Steeple -- a sacred rod. J
Egging me On -- KitchenForeign Policy. J
Cheapo -- The Coffee vigilante. J
Coronation -- wolf boys and phone lines. J
The Pleasure of Pimples -- You can make a fortune. J
Curse of the Clone -- America's first. J
The WoWo -- Canada's first commuters. J
Hang Ups -- Rich bitches need driver ed. J
Roof Monitor Part 2 more false accusations. J
Roof Monitor seeks Sniffer. J
Polygamy handling all those wives. J
Maori Missionary Who's that knocking on my door? J
Jack's Back--The Mad Russian returns. &
'Bye, Jack -- The Mad Russian leaves. &
BrainFreeze -- How to think better in 2001.
Flirting with Dr. Death -- or up yours! J
How to Paint a Bathroom -- understanding women. J
The Poop -- on the very rich. J
Coed Clone -- easy to make. J
Make fifty bucks an hour -- sitting behind your computer. &
Kissin' Cousin -- meet my evil girl cousin. &
If you go into the woods today -- be very careful.... &
Save the Natives -- bibles for heathens. &
Cell=Sell=Sex -- what is a cell phone? &
High Fliers -- sometimes your number is up. &
Themestupid -- a pleasant exchange. &
Hong Kong -- see it now! Q
Womb Mates -- No sweat at 30,000 feet. Q
Betty's Greatest Adventure -- free book or billionaire secrets.
Eskimo Parrot -- Being PC, the parrot flies North. &
I, Hernia--the story of Jaron's Hernia. &
Publish yourself--you can make your book cheap. &
Dog Dilemma--what do you do with the perfect pup? Q
Dilemma 2--the $5,000 pup. Honest.
No Juice, No Use -- A business proposition.
Homeopathic Psychology -- A perfect marriage.
Futur -- The Ultimate way to communicate. &
Do Not READ!!! - I warned you.
Dead and Gone -- a note to my dear wife.
Love and Money -- The only way to rip off a bank.
Tar Baby -- A letter of Apology from Mr. Roof Monitor.
Martha S -- Secrets of a great cook.
Women -- How to manipulate them, and so on.
MBA - Pay attention or die.
Be Rich -- it's so easy, just call me. Do it Now!
Run! The Sky is falling ... caused by the stock market.
Woody A great director heads for London to make his mark.
The Concorde What a fun way to travel, except for the crew.
Whooping Moose A dedicated university professor makes his mark.
2000 The cusp of the Millennium.
Zeroed The first casualty of the Millennium Bug.
Santa Guess what he has for good little girls?
Merry, Merry Christmas A note of joy from your friendly banker.
Millennium Lawsuit The last one. Honest.
French Memories of Child Prodigy
Snakebite A twist on the old joke.
Rats The secret of dealing with a mate's mess.
The Fridge Magnet A magnificent legacy.
The Gay Sinner He (or she) can be saved.
A Rose By Any Name When a boy and his mother talk of sex.
Ding Dong Who wins when science and religion duke it out?
The Female I understand them; you can too. Easy.
Good and Grim News Your doctor can help you live longer, honest.
Brookhaven You never know when a black hole will ruin your day.
Friends Old friends are the best friends.
Girl Talk Dr. Laura knows her stuff. What a talk show host!
Studio Head You have to give a little and want a lot.
Killer Bees What do you do when you're naked?
Investments This is a sweet one.
Sixty Minutes Here's the inside story.
Travel light The secret to a great holiday. Here's how.
$3 Ice Cream Why it costs so much to buy. But worth it.
Negotiations The art of the deal or how to win, win, win!
Jellybean Game Here's how to risk it all and have fun.
Open Wide A great dentist is a wonderful find.
Who is Jaron? A short and modest bio. Well, quite modest.
New Novel - Missionary
Position - Chapter One
copyright 2001 Jaron Summers