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Wacky Index
More Stupid Than
A Speeding Bullet
written by
Jaron Summers
©2012
Trapped in
The Great Pyramid
His eyes bugged out when he saw that I had several hundred dollar bills. "This way," he said with a toothless grin, indicating an opening about one metre square in the pyramid.
I am not sure where he came from or how he
learned to do what he did but he was one of the most bizarre
characters who ever settled in our village. He was an
electrician ...
Saving Gay Christians ...
by
As Christians we knew Brother Fügenpacker was mentally ill and if he kept up his "unnatural ways" he would go to hell.
My
wife, Kate, never gets angry with me.
And I never get angry or even impatient with her.
You see, whenever we speak, we always refer to somebody else.
Let me give you an example.
Despite my suggestion to remove a part of
Gary's brain, the surgeon said he would wrap
the offending artery in Teflon, of all things.
Kate: So explain this canceled check for
$1,000 made out to Sees Chocolates.
I realize you have a sweet tooth, but
this is ridiculous.
Since the diet allows for slight
modifications, my wife Kate and
I occasionally interpret this differently.
One of the basic glues of
modern society is gossip.
G
My wife, who is part Irish, says
her forefathers should have
charged more for eggs.
In our kitchen we installed a Price Pfister faucet. You can pull out the nozzle (like an elephant trunk) and drench your wife so she looks like Paris Hilton in that hamburger commercial.
Above is the famous Ha'penny Bridge
in downtown Dublin. Lovers write
their names on tiny padlocks and
clip them to all parts of the bridge :)
Background: Coronation, Canada (pop. 999), celebrates its centennial and I'm invited to speak.
Background: Coronation, Canada (pop. 999), celebrates its centennial and I'm invited to speak. I confide to anyone who will listen, including the postman and gardener, that I'm the keynote speaker and guest of honor.
DRIVE makes you think. At least it did us. But not everyone agrees it's a great play.
I read a mean spirited review of DRIVE.
Here's what I thought of the reviewer—and, if you read it you will get my take on DRIVE.
I am starting a contest.
Guys, I know you don't want a 19 year old guy in the house. So obviously no 19 year old women, right?
A short story from a career criminal
Rare Mosaic of what appears to be
Concordes on the king's chamber of the
tomb of Ramesses II (1303 BC – 1213 BC)
As a matter-of-fact it was aboard the
Concorde that I was
treated like an idiot
and the captain pointed at me after we landed, then whispered rude
things.
Okay, okay, I told a series of small
fibs. Here is what happened on the Concorde.
"You
idiot," she said. "You're making a milkshake. What do you
think is in that?"
Kate: Please explain this canceled check for $1,000 made out to Sees Chocolates. I realize you have a sweet tooth, but this is ridiculous.
Part two
I would tie Sees Chocolates to the dollar.
....the coat on that giant 12-foot rabbit is made from skinned panda bears. Apparently a pack of them lost their hides at the 21 table. Click Here.
"Lock your doors" advises a law enforcement spokesman familiar with the situation. A woogly world controlled by anonymous sources is on the way.
The mightiest empire the world had known was brought to a standstill with a few box cutters and terrorists who could not even land a plane.
And it came to pass that
Mr. and Mrs.
God got up one morning.
It was a bright and sparkly day. (One advantage in living a few hundred yards from the sun.)
I am looking for a room to rent mainly on Thursday afternoon to evening. Could be other days rarely. My girlfriend and I would be meeting there.
I am not sure where he came from or how he learned to do what he did but he was one of the most bizarre characters who ever settled in our village.
The cellular phone or cell is the world’s most successful sex prop.
I am saddened by the way your life has gone. Let us speak frankly.
The waters off the coast of Kona, Hawaii are said to be magical.
And I have a story about that magic. It involves gypsies, a piper and a whale.
So how did these stars become
so famous without using e-mail
or owning cell phones?
Donna Babing, working with the Sierra Club, is behind legislation barring cell phone calls on federally owned wetlands. OMG!
This seems dangerous.
Like Bambi mailing mapquest directions
of his home to the Big Bad Wolf.
O
ur friend harvests and roasts the best coffee in the world.The bad news: he only has 200 pounds each year. He and his wife produce Kona coffee for their family and friends each Christmas.
To the Toronto Police Department:
Hi, Officer Bubbles and I would do a bang up job of fighting crime and/or evil. Promise.
My wife, the book thief,
spawns a great invention.
The remarkable medical doctor who
created one of the greatest health care
plans in the history of the world.
(reading time: 10 minutes)
the best is yet to come!
Dealing with Gramps
when he loses it.
Why we don't need it
and why we have it.
How to get a bank
to give you what is yours.
... Bill Meilen told me that the difference between a wedding and a funeral in Wales is one less drunk.
(Time to read: five minutes)
One Way to
This could work if
you need to create
your own job.
Save The
It's a barrel of laughs
As readers will recall, the Bradys made headline news when Mrs. Brady gave birth to 18 babies last month.
...this might seem like an ad for our home. But it's a game. See if you can find 1 rooster, 2 mice and 3 robins. For
a laugh click on the final mouse.
...Juliet wants to live in our home.
...with a few stipulations.
She hate$ me (3)
...Kate, my wife, and our friends Larry and Bev do a St. Patty's jig for you. Which one am I? Hint: there's two of me.
Always get your money back. 1. write to the CEO and list his/her accomplishments. 2. Tell the CEO why you are a life long and great customer. 3. Make him/her smile.
This hardly ever fails. Try it!
....The Kona Kat cheats death. Our d
....SOS from Hawaii. Here we see just how
sinister The Kat of Kona is as it contemplates drowning the entire human race.
Its power and mind grows—from the radiation. Radiation it tricked us into
giving it.
....I lived in
Coronation, an
Alberta village in Canada, until I was 18. Here is a zany collection on some of
my memories in the town that had one of the highest suicide rate in the world.
(All)
Passport stories
J
...four stories dealing with my attempt to renew
my Canadian passport. The stories are slightly farfetched. They are each based
on events that happened.
Time to read: 240 seconds
... people
I trusted lost my identity and it's in the hands of person's
unknown or a spy.
Time to read:
39 seconds
...When
it comes to aiding and abetting identity theft, Passport Canada wins the Oscar.
Time to read: 100 seconds
...our ever vigilant employees of Passport Canada
made a couple of mistakes of their own.
Time to read:
39 seconds
....it's easy to get a passport. Unless you need it in a
hurry.
Time to read:
93.5 seconds
... once you send hot chicks
$$$s, you never hear from them again. Innocent people get stung for thousand$.
Time to read:
93 seconds
... How
to make money out of global warming AND get more land.
Time to read:
45 seconds
3AM
J
...
Every
night for the last 40 years or so I get up around 3 AM and go to the bathroom.
I always think of things to write about.
Time to read:
45 seconds
ZZZzzz
J
...
The way to deal with money, wars and high priced
gas is to go to sleep. Honest.
Time to read:
45 seconds
... We
fly across the continent and discover that our host has opted to play a tragic
joke on us. We fight back in this short
story....
Time to read: 5+ minutes
... Everything was hunky-dory as long as you
took your job seriously and followed the various directives in this short
story....
(The seventh directive prohibited
communication with the incoming phantom attackers.)
... His wife annoyed
him. Nagging. Leaving the garbage for him to take out.
Substituting skim milk for
cream in his tea. He decided to kill her. Things could go wrong ...
Time to read: 60 seconds
... He's a
middle aged man who lives in a tiny flat in Devonport at the edge of Auckland,
New Zealand.
He feels he can
do anything with a "bit of supervision." Meet Peter ... Time to read: 60
seconds
.... You
won’t notice her as you drag your suitcase down the jet's aisle.
She smiles
behind a touch of too much makeup and her shoes are not sexy now. Polished but
functional with one-inch heels.
... It is
our belief that one of the few things that stands in the path of China’s
domination (benign) of the world is your great country’s lack of energy.
... One day Mother, her brother and parents were having dinner when a ball of lightening crashed down the chimney and bounced around the kitchen, then blew up their coal burning stove.
Time to read: 60 seconds.
... My riddle started 43 years ago this week, as I was drinking a Coke in the Hong Kong Hilton.
A fat man, a dead ringer for John Candy, started a conversation with me.
Time to read: 60 seconds.
... H
ow to tell if you're a fanatic in a cult. Time to read: 60 seconds.
Go Green J
... Fred Fünkendiddle was into green. “The most important thing we can do for the planet is conserve Mother Nature’s resources,” ... Time to read: 35 seconds
J
.
..Kate, although you may feel that you will never marry again, I'm betting that in a few weeks, you'll change ... .... Time to read: 45 seconds.
... Bill Meilen told me that the difference between a wedding and a funeral in Wales is one less drunk. Time to read: five minutes
Ford RIP J
Perfect Investment (Sees Candy) J
2006 J
Roof Rat J
Shoebox J
Sex Prop J
large head-2J
large head-1 J
DGA -- world's best &
California freeways - secrets J
snip & snipe Kate cut-ups J
Road tolls -- Beat the system. J
New Zealand report - the perfect haven. Q
Feel great - a serious look at health. &
Sex on the Sand - life with the loony bin family. N
Understanding Bin -- Fax secrets. N
Desert Lover -- Bin's Story. N
Calling All Terrorists -- money, money. N
Happy Child -- They know what they want. J
Cell phone -- a deadly weapon. J
House for Jesus -- with a temp resident. J
Dolphin Love -- the Ultimate Game Show. J
Make A Million! -- $tock $ecret$...shhhh. J
Slow Boat to China -- Time: a strange master. J
More Expensive by the Dozen -- kids. J
The Minister's Steeple -- a sacred rod. J
Egging me On -- KitchenForeign Policy. J
Cheapo -- The Coffee vigilante. J
Coronation -- wolf boys and phone lines. J
The Pleasure of Pimples -- You can make a fortune. J
Curse of the Clone -- America's first. J
The WoWo -- Canada's first commuters. J
Hang Ups -- Rich bitches need driver ed. J
Roof Monitor Part 2 more false accusations. J
Roof Monitor seeks Sniffer. J
Polygamy handling all those wives. J
Maori Missionary Who's that knocking on my door? J
Jack's Back--The Mad Russian returns. &
'Bye, Jack -- The Mad Russian leaves. &
BrainFreeze -- How to think better in 2001.
Holiday Diet -- Drop Five Pounds in a BLINK. J
Flirting with Dr. Death -- or up yours! J
How to Paint a Bathroom -- understanding women. J
The Poop -- on the very rich. J
Coed Clone -- easy to make. J
He was the most Powerful Man in the world - now? J
Make fifty bucks an hour -- sitting behind your computer. &
Kissin' Cousin -- meet my evil girl cousin. &
If you go into the woods today -- be very careful.... &
Save the Natives -- bibles for heathens. &
Cell=Sell=Sex -- what is a cell phone? &
High Fliers -- sometimes your number is up. &
Themestupid -- a pleasant exchange. &
Hong Kong -- see it now! Q
Womb Mates -- No sweat at 30,000 feet. Q
Betty's Greatest Adventure -- free book or billionaire secrets.
Eskimo Parrot -- Being PC, the parrot flies North. &
I, Hernia--the story of Jaron's Hernia. &
Publish yourself--you can make your book cheap. &
Dog Dilemma--what do you do with the perfect pup? Q
Dilemma 2--the $5,000 pup. Honest.
No Juice, No Use -- A business proposition.
Homeopathic Psychology -- A perfect marriage.
Futur -- The Ultimate way to communicate. &
Do Not READ!!! - I warned you.
Dead and Gone -- a note to my dear wife.
Love and Money -- The only way to rip off a bank.
Tar Baby -- A letter of Apology from Mr. Roof Monitor.
Martha S -- Secrets of a great cook.
Women -- How to manipulate them, and so on.
MBA - Pay attention or die.
Be Rich -- it's so easy, just call me. Do it Now!
Run! The Sky is falling ... caused by the stock market.
Woody A great director heads for London to make his mark.
Whooping Moose A dedicated university professor makes his mark.
2000 The cusp of the Millennium.
Zeroed The first casualty of the Millennium Bug.
Santa Guess what he has for good little girls?
Merry, Merry Christmas A note of joy from your friendly banker.
Millennium Lawsuit The last one. Honest.
French Memories of Child Prodigy
Snakebite A twist on the old joke.
Rats The secret of dealing with a mate's mess.
The Fridge Magnet A magnificent legacy.
The Gay Sinner He (or she) can be saved.
A Rose By Any Name When a boy and his mother talk of sex.
Ding Dong Who wins when science and religion duke it out?
The Female I understand them; you can too. Easy.
Good and Grim News Your doctor can help you live longer, honest.
Brookhaven You never know when a black hole will ruin your day.
Friends Old friends are the best friends.
Girl Talk Dr. Laura knows her stuff. What a talk show host!
Studio Head You have to give a little and want a lot.
Killer Bees What do you do when you're naked?
Investments This is a sweet one.
Sixty Minutes Here's the inside story.
Travel light The secret to a great holiday. Here's how.
$3 Ice Cream Why it costs so much to buy. But worth it.
Negotiations The art of the deal or how to win, win, win!
Jellybean Game Here's how to risk it all and have fun.
Open Wide A great dentist is a wonderful find.
Who is Jaron? A short and modest bio. Well, quite modest.
....We
arrive in Kana and discover that the Kona Kat's poop can kill. Its
very litter will be toxic waste.
New Novel - Missionary Position - Chapter One
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