Dr. Con S. Erve,
Canada's leading anthropologist, first achieved notoriety for his
studies of the Wo-Wo Tribe.
The Wo-Wo tribe was composed of 2,724 aboriginals who worshiped at a
sacred "Ocean Beach" in northern Alberta.
No one knew that landlocked Alberta had any ocean beach until Dr. Erve
Dr. Erve discovered that the Wo-Woes harvested fish from the Pacific
Ocean. This was an astonishing accomplishment given that they lived over
a thousand kilometres from the Pacific and had to traverse the Rocky
Mountains (4,000 metres high) to reach their B.C. fishing grounds each
Dr. Erve proved the Wo-Woes were Canada's first commuters.
The "inland" beach of the Wo-Woes was composed of sand that
clung to their moccasins when they walked on the Pacific beaches.
though it was fairly sticky sand, there wasn't much of it left after the
Wo-Wo fishermen completed their thousand-kilometre commute home each
Friday. (They would then return to the Pacific late Sunday morning.)
Dr. Erve calculated that it took over six millennia for the tribe to
accumulate enough sand to create an inland beach. Although tiny (hardly
the size of an average PGA sand trap), the beach united the primitive
The anthropologist made up a poem about the Wo-Wo and their beach:
"The Wo-Woes imported an ocean beach/And prayed to their God, never
out of reach."
Using an all terrain vehicle, Dr. Erve tracked the Wo-Woes on their
weekly commute. The Wo-Woes, who had never seen an internal combustion
engine, prayed to their Beach God for such machines.
Like so many gods, the Beach God said "no way."
The Wo-Woes, desperate to ride internal combustion engines, sold their
wives and daughters into prostitution.
This generated sufficient money for ATV purchases; however, syphilis and
other social diseases eradicated most of the women.
The Wo-Woes' teeth fell out of their heads after Dr. Erve introduced
them to chocolate bars. Dr. Erve distributed books on dental care to the
Unfortunately no Wo-Wo could read. (Dr. Erve said he did not want
to overburden a primitive tribe with Western culture.)
In his award-winning documentary, Dr. Erve explained how the Wo-Woes
fought over the few Wo-Wo women.
The media accused Dr. Erve of teaching the Wo-Woes how to use modern
weapons. The anthropologist, who carried a Thompson machine gun on his
ATV, swore in court that when he gave weapons to the Wo-Woes he made
them promise to be sportsmen.
What with the killing and prostitution, the remaining toothless Wo-Woes
abandoned fishing and within a year their sacred beach vanished.
entrepreneurs had used all the sand in three-minute egg timers.